Category Archives: Barbeque

Green Eggs and Ham

I do not like them Sam I Am!  Ok, so I haven’t been feeling too motivated to write this weekend.  I made myself a huge batch of cookies and forgot about BBQ altogether for a few days.  Nobody should ever consume them at the staggering rate that I did though.  I would make competition eaters jealous, which of course resulted in a bit of a tummy ache.

This breakfast is as easy as it looks.  It is eggs, swiss chard, and prosciutto all shoved into a muffin tin and cooked on the grill.  I used hardwood charcoal for smoky flavor and made and spread my coals evenly to make the grill like a little smokey oven.  My inside oven turns smokey sometimes, but then I have to deal with the worlds worst smoke alarm that is hardwired into the house.  Seriously, I can’t even take the battery out…whose idea was that?!

Make your prosciutto cup (speck would work here too), Be sure to press it in there really firmly so it conforms to the sides of the pan.  I used 2 pieces of prosciutto folded in half to make each little meaty muffin cup. Fill with a salt and peppered scrambled egg and chopped chard concoction and place the whole thing on an upside down foil pan.  The secret to really amazing scrambled eggs is curry powder.  I put a heaping 1/2 teaspoon in mine, if you don’t like curry then don’t obviously.

The setup

With grill-baking this is important to keep your pan elevated so things do not get burnt on the bottom.

Cook these b*tches for 20ish minutes or until they are set in the middle.  If you poke them with a fork and there is still liquid in the middle, they aren’t set.

I hit a new PR on my power clean that morning so I also added a chocolate-coffee-banana shake that was mind-blowing.

  • 1.5 cups cold coffee (I keep some in the fridge for these type of drinks)
  • 1 peeled, then frozen banana
  • One serving of chocolate protein

That’s it! Blended all together it was the perfect post-workout addition to my breakfast. Oh shit, someone call the paleo police, I had protein powder!

Ok, there is breakfast.  This post wasn’t funny or entertaining.  I told you I was not feeling inspired!

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Posted by on September 16, 2012 in Barbeque, Breakfast


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Shotgun Willie’s Braised Beef Chili

Perhaps there really is no Shotgun Willie, but if there were, he would totally make chili like this.

chili always looks like crap in pictures

It took me forever to fire up the grill today, I am pretty convinced it is because of a new disorder that I am pretty sure I have, and also just invented.  ADCD: attention deficit cleaning disorder.  I started to clean up the aftermath of hurricane Derek in my basement and prior to finishing I moved on to the drawers in my kitchen, and once those were dumped out and all over the counter I started on the cabinets.  At this point I have crap everywhere and start thinking “F*ck this, I am going to cook instead.”  So I had to make some room on my counter to start a fourth project for the day.

That is one sexy piece of meat

You start with a roast instead of ground beef for this recipe, that is what makes it so incredible.  Salt and pepper that baby and set it off to the side.

I also used all of this stuff:

  • 1 bunch kale
  • 2 sweet taters- chopped into bite sized pieces
  • 2 banana peppers
  • 2 serranos (I keep them in my freezer at all time just for this chili)
  • 1 bunch cilantro
  • onion, I used half, you can use a whole one, doesn’t really matter
  • one bell pepper
  • 1/2 cup beef bone broth
  • a few cloves of garlic: smashed and roughly chopped
  • A pack of chopped tomatoes, you can also use a can or jar of salsa if you like

You also need all of this:

  • 1/4-1/2 cup chili powder.  It is a great thickener.
  • 2 TB oregano
  • 2 TB paprika
  • 2 TB cumin
  • 1 TB coriander
  • 1 TB onion
  • salt and pepper
  • 1 TB garlic powder(you can never have enough garlic)
  • crushed red pepper to taste (optional)

Before you start your prep work soak your wood.  I used mesquite here because of its bold intense flavor.  This is definitely a wood made to be paired with beef, as it would be too intense on a more delicate piece of meat like fish.  After you have everything you need and some nice wet wood, it is time to start-up those coals.  I used a lot, in a high heat fire. A thin layer in the bottom of the grill with a heaping chimney of hot ones.  The unlit ones in the bottom simply gives you a longer burn time.

In a grill friendly pan (I use enameled cast iron), throw in your roughly chopped garlic, tomatoes, bone broth, spices, and taters in your pan, then throw your serranos in whole.  You will take these out at the end (if you’re smart) but they just infuse a nice flavor and the perfect amount of heat.

Once your wood chips start smoking, put your meat directly over the high-heat to give it a sear, and your pan on the indirect side.  As a bonus I also put my peppers on there to get a nice little sear.  I then put the meat into the pot and deeply scored it with a sharp knife.  You can skip this step if you want to cook your chili all day, if not then cut several very deep gashes into your meat to increase the surface area and therefore the speed at which it is cooked.

Cook the chili with the pot uncovered(but the cover on the grill) for the first 30-45 minutes to let the smoke flavor penetrate.  Once you chop all the rest of your veggies you can set those aside until you after that 30-45ish minutes is up.  Give your pot a quick stir, add the veggies, and put the lid on your pot.

This one takes time, so tell all the furry little scavengers to wait their turn for beefy goodness

Anyways, you are going to let your chili cook for about an hour, only stop to stir once or twice.  After an hour you might want to check the heat and add more coals, you want to keep the fire at about 350, and you can read a bit more about grill temps here, just in case you are a newbie. Now, just let your chili cook with the grill cover on.  In the meantime, why don’t you go play fetch, go for a walk, or clean up that epic mess you made all over the house.  Whatever you do, just leave your chili alone.

After a couple hours, your meat should be fork tender.  I broke mine apart into bit sized chunks with a wooden spoon.  If you have a huge roast or didn’t score your meat(like a dummy), you will have to add more coals and let it cook until the meat is fork tender.

Sprinkle with chopped cilantro and serve! I almost forgot… be sure to pull those serranos out!

This is the fabled Shotgun Willie!


Posted by on September 12, 2012 in Barbeque, Beef, Soups


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How To Build The Perfect Sauce: Carolina Mustard Gas

There are only 5 words you need to remember when trying to creat the perfect BBQ sauce

  1. sweet
  2. sour
  3. salt
  4. smoke
  5. spice

The essential elements

Your sweet can be honey, molasses, maple syrup, fruit juice, or puree.  Combine that will some sort of vinegar (cider, balsamic, red wine, ect), citrus juice, or even pickle juice for your sour.  Salt seems pretty simple but it doesn’t have to be your boring ol’ sodium chloride.  You can also use liquid amino, bone broth, fish sauce, or worchestshire…worcestershire….grr…whatever! The spice is that little kick that takes a sauce to the next level.  It does not actually have to be painfully burning heat (although that is how I like mine). You can use black, red, or cayenne pepper, horseradish, wasabi, garlic or fresh peppers and chilis.  The final addition is the smoke, it is that funk that makes a sauce really unique, but be careful here, it is pretty easy to overdo it.  We like to use ancho chilis, chipotles, liquid smoke, bourbon, or mustard.  Cooking your sauce over smoke will also infuse it with some pretty b*tchin flavor.  Your choices are really only limited to your imagination.

Liquid gold baby!

Carolina Mustard Gas takes it name from a pork BBQ staple.  Carolina barbecue pork is usually sprayed with a mixture of vinegar and red pepper, but why stop there?  Seriously…I didn’t.  I married in some German tradition, a place where pork and mustard go together like bacon and chocolate (or bacon and anything really), and made this sauce really pop.


  • 1/2 cup cider vinegar (sour)
  • 2 TB honey (sweet)
  • 4 TB dijon mustard (smoke)
  • 1 t coarse black pepper
  • 1/2 t salt

I mixed all of those ingredients in a sauce pan and gave them a little whisk-y whisk-y.  Brought them to a rolling boil and then let is simmer for 3-5 minutes.  I don’t even like mustard and I thought this stuff was pretty effing fantastic.  We were going to call it Dijon Branch in celebration of the start of football…but ya know, he got cut.

We drizzled the mustard gas all over our slow smoked pulled pork, and keeping with the German theme I added some sauerkraut and sprinkled with red pepper.

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Posted by on September 10, 2012 in Barbeque, Pork, Sauces, Uncategorized


Hickory Smoked Game-Time Nuts

Sometimes it feels like I live with a teenager.  I love D to death but he thought it was just hysterical when I used the phrase “salted nuts” when talking about my prep work.  He actually found it so entertaining that I could not help but laugh.  Anyway, these salted nuts made a great snack for the official start of Football season, try not to eat them all in one sunday though.

In my house, those Smokehouse almonds used to be a regular snacktime staple, until we started reading ingredients.  MSG, maltodextrin, potassium sorbate…wtf is in these things?  We decided to make our own smoked mixed nuts on the Weber 22.5 inch kettle with hickory smoke.


  • 6 cups raw nuts: we used almonds, walnuts, and pecans
  • 2TB of oil: coconut or olive oil
  • 1 t cumin
  • 1/2 t garlic
  • 1/4 t cayenne
  • generous amounts of salt

Basically you just mix all of the ingredients together in a foil pan and put on the indirect side.  How freaking easy is that?  Next time you have a party whip a batch of these babies up, I will even let you take credit for coming up with this genius idea.

You want to leave these on for 20-30 minutes and stir frequently.  They will get a bit darker in color, which is fine…Turning black, is not.  There is only a couple minute window between perfectly smoked and burnt so keep an eye on these.  Also, if you give them adequate time to cool before serving it lets them get nice and crunchy again.

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Posted by on September 10, 2012 in Barbeque, Random, Snacks


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Beefy Brunch Sausage and BBQ Eggs

Beefy Brunch Sausage and BBQ Eggs

I was looking for a clever quote about breakfast to insert here, but after searching the nerd net and finding several BS quotes about wives looking like crap in the morning I decided to scrap that idea.  Luckily, I don’t look any worse in the morning than I do the rest of the day.

I had 1lb of ground beef left from our last quarter cow, so that is what I used, you sub any type of ground meat you like, pork would be fantastic here too.


  • 1lb ground meat
  • 1 t sage
  • 1TB whole fennel seeds
  • 1/4 t marjoram
  • 1/2 t salt
  • 1/2 t garlic
  • 1/2 t red pepper: I use korean sun-dried pepper because of its mild smoky kick, if you are using regular crushed red pepper you might want to use a bit less
  • 2 bell peppers
  • 4 eggs

First light up your grill and let the coals heat up while you do the prep work.  The bell peppers are easy, lob them in half and scoop out the seeds, set aside with your eggs.  Then take your meat and spices and incorporate all of that awesomeness together.  I made mine into 4 quarter pound patties.

Doesn’t this guy ever wear a shirt?

Yep, my yard looks like crap, I know, if you have ever met my dog you would understand why.  D is giving the grates a good brushy-brushy to clean them off before we put the food on.

Eggs on the grill is pretty bad ass, the peppers are like tasty edible little cooking pans that keep your eggs from falling through the grates.  We put the peppers on the grill first, on the indirect side, albeit close to the hotness.  I then cracked the eggs into the peppers over the grill, but that is because I am really clumsy and also have animals who are very destructive.  I didn’t want to clean up liquid egg snot so…yeah over the grill.  If you are worried about getting egg-shell in your food then you can crack them individually into a separate receptacle first.  I am not worried though, I like to live life on the edge!

After you are all done with that throw your little beefy discs of breakfast heaven on the grill.  The USDA recommends cooking all ground beef to an internal temp of 160F, but they are also corrupt , and I trust the source of my meat, so ya know…eff them and just eyeball it.

Your eggs will take a while to set, about 30 minutes depending on the heat of your grill, I would plan to put the meat on about 15 minutes after the eggs, this will give it plenty of time to cook and a few moments to rest.  You should always let your meat rest and come to a stable temperature.  This does not just apply to steak, give it five minutes on a plate in its own juices before you start digging in.  Bonus point: you will be less likely to burn off your taste buds this way too.

You can attempt to be delicate and eat this with a fork, but that sort of takes the fun out of it.  The rules of BBQ state, that if you cook it on the grill you are allowed to eat it with your hands.  Ok, it doesn’t really say that anywhere, but those are the rules in my house and I just like eating with my hands.

Shove it all in together and add a little chipotle sauce




Posted by on September 9, 2012 in Barbeque, Beef, Breakfast, Uncategorized


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Winner Winner Chicken Dinner with Smokey-Dokey Sauce

There are two ways to cook chicken on the grill…Theres the easy way, and then my way.

We used a whole chicken cut up in to pieces, the problem with this is that they all have different cooking times.  Breasts the longest, then thighs and back, after that drumsticks, and finally your wings.  You have to stagger the times at which you put them on the grill or you could just by a package of all breasts or thighs or whatever and make it easy.

Before you even start soak your hickory wood chips in some water.  No water pan, no chip box? No problem today, we threw them b*tches right in with the coals this time.

Ok, now give your birdy a little massage.  Rub her down real good!

The ingredients look a-ok

I used Pork Barrel BBQ rub because I am lazy, feel free to copy my idea or just sprinkle them with some salt, pepper, and garlic.  Before you start handling the chicken be sure to put your spice rub in a separate bowl.


It can get pretty disgusting and you don’t want to go around contaminating all of your spices.  If your hands aren’t getting nasty then I don’t think you are doing it right.  After you finish the rub put your bird in a bag and put him in the fridge.  I put my bird-bag in a bowl too because I didn’t want it leaking all over my fridge.

I’ll wait while you wash your hands….

Ok…this sauce effing rocks! Even if you don’t own a grill you should make this sauce.  I am thinking of stirring it into my coffee in the morning, I love it that much


  • 4TB tomato paste: I found the stuff in a jar because its resealable and ya know, that nasty BPA s*hit
  • 2TB olive oil
  • 3 cloves garlic
  • 1/2 an onion
  • 1TB molasses
  • Heaping teaspoon cumin
  • 1/2 t coarse ground black pepper
  • 1/4 cup maple syrup (preferably Grade B)
  • 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
  • 1 t paprika
  • 1 small apple
  • 1 dried ancho
  • 1/2 cup hot water
  • 1 t salt
  • 2 TB liquid smoke

Do you have all that crap?  If not…then just go to the store, those are all staples in any BBQ house.  We will start by cutting up your dried ancho(scissors work best here) and pouring you 1/2 cup water over it.  Let that soak while you chop up your apple, then throw the apple and the ancho + water in a small saucepan to simmer until soft and tender.  Chop up the onion and garlic and add those in too, everything will be soft and tender in about 10-12 minutes.  This doesn’t need to be pretty, you’re going to puree the whole thing anyways.

While that is simmering, you can start building your sauce because you are going to be doing a whole lot of measuring.

Still steaming

When you are pureeing your apple mixture it is ok to leave some very small chunks in there, but you want to make a fairly smooth sauce.  Stir that in with all of the other ingredients, except for the smoke, in a sauce pan and bring to a boil-ish state.  Sauce doesn’t really boil but you will see when big splatter-y bubbles form, I actually recommend doing this part naked, since chances are a splatter will ruin your shirt.   Once it is good and hot go on and reduce the heat down to low and let it simmer for 10 minutes stirring occasionally.  Then you are pretty much done.  Add in the liquid smoke at the end of the cooking, stir it in while it is cooling down so as not to damage the flavor too much and get back to your chicken.  Mine yielded two cups of sauce, which was plenty for the dinner with a little leftover for later!

Liquid orgasm

If you made your sauce naked as-per my instruction you should probably put your clothes back on before you fire up the grill, I can think of a few places I really wouldn’t want hot ash landing.  When I say fire up your grill, you should know the routine by now; charcoal chimney, dual zone fire, blah blah blah.  Throw your wood chips on when it is nice and toasty to get that smoke going.

Put your bird over the hot direct heat first until it gets a nice sear on the outside.  This not only gives you amazing skin, but it also seals in the juices.  When it looks good move it to the indirect side.  After your meat is on the indirect side, brush with the sauce and let the heat caramelize it.

The pan is for collecting the juices so we can bathe in them later

Chicken is one of those meats I just don’t really trust when it comes to “eyeballing it” or going by time.  I can poke a steak and tell you how done it is, but I just don’t trust chickens…they’re shifty creatures.  We used our instant read thermometer to periodically check the temperature.  Funny story, I fed someone raw chicken once because my 13 pound bird wasnt cooked all the way through.  The standard is 16-165 for light meat and 170-175 for dark, you can check by sticking the thermometer into the deepest part of the meat without touching the bone. Our chicken had pretty big t*ts so you can imagine those took a long time.  In fact, this could take up to an hour depending on the heat of your coals and the size of your bird so I hope you don’t have any time-sensitive plans.  If you wanted quick and easy chicken you could just go to KFC and grab a Double Down.

I really hope I don’t have to explain common sense, but I feel compelled to (just in case).  Please just leave your grill alone for a while and let that sh*t cook..  If your internal temp is like 75F, just put the lid on and walk away for, like, a half hour.  Humans like to meddle, sometimes we need to learn to sit back and let nature take over, or in this case the grill.  All you need to do is flip it once or twice and brush your meat with a bit of sauce every now and then and leave it alone.  If you keep poking holes in your meat to check the temp you will let all the the juices run out.

After I pulled it off the grill I brushed it with sauce one more time and tried to let it cool for a while before eating.

Derek couldn’t even wait long enough to take his head lamp off, let alone wait for it to cool.  I must say though, a head lamp is a useful tool for night-time grilling.


Posted by on September 8, 2012 in Barbeque, Chicken, Sauces


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Simple Squashies and Screw-Up Proof Salmon

Simple Squashies and Screw-Up Proof Salmon

After a couple of days bouncing back and forth between a grill and a computer, I decided to do a very simple dinner.  This blogging sh*t is exhausting! Anyone who knows me can tell you I do not measure my food, I just go with whatever looks and smells right.  I have to stop and measure everything for you people and take pictures…jeez.  I guess I just do it because I wasn’t hugged enough as a child and now I need the attention of millions of people…like a stripper or Snookie.

Ok, so here is the deal with salmon…it sticks on the iron grates like really strong adhesive stuff.  I suck at similes, whatever.  Anyway, a simple weeknight salmon should be cooked in tin foil to keep it from sticking to the grill and to keep it moist.

Salmon is already delicious, so the only thing you need to make it great is a teaspoon of coconut oil, salt and pepper, dill, and garlic.  Bam, you’re done, stick it in the fridge until you are ready to cook it.

Kirk likes salmon too, so make extra!

Isn’t he effing adorable? Ok…focus Michelle.  Next you want to slice your butternut squash, but you want to cut it into round slices instead of slicing it lengthwise like you normally would.  When you get down to the end with the seeds just scoop them out with a spoon.

Anyone who has ever carved a pumpkin knows how to do this

Then cut into slices…duh.  Here is where I screwed up, I cut those pieces in into little half moons…don’t do this, they will fall through your grill grates.  Ready for your marinade?

  • 1/2 cup olive oil
  • 1/2 cup vinegar
  • 2 cloves minced garlic, I did mine in a Garlic Zoom
  • 1t paprika
  • 1t cumin
  • salt and pepper

Mix all that together and let it marinate for a few hours, or overnight.

Once you get a dual zone fire going in your grill you can throw everything on for about 5 minutes per side.  I hope I don’t have to explain common sense here…but I suppose I should so no one gives me grief about how they burnt theirs.  If it is cooking too fast move it off to the side of the heat, that is the purpose of a dual zone fire, to have two different temperatures. Hot side for grill marks, low side for cooking.

I pulled the fish off first after about 8-10 minutes and moved the squash around until I got the right amount of grill marks + tenderness, which was about an extra 5 minutes.

I also had two tomatoes, an onion, and two peppers lying around so I decided to make a fire roasted salsa.  I dunked them in the squash marinade, put them on the grill until they had a slight char, then pulsed them in my Ninja. This is not imperative to the result of the salmon, I just had the time and ingredients…so why the hell not.

The finished product was simple, yet full of flavor

And for dessert?

Brownies of course!!!


Posted by on September 7, 2012 in Barbeque, Seafood, Uncategorized


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